Blog Post #2: To My Future Baby, It’s Cold Outside

I insist—with as much fervor as Valerie Behan—that my readers listen to the light-hearted holiday music (link below) while reading this post. 

NO COPYRIGHT Christmas Upbeat Music - Free Christmas Playlist Music 

It makes this post more festive—just get out of the car… 

Megan suggested that I work on a brain-rot Christmas list for the blog and while her approach may have been off-putting, I also thought it was a good idea. So without further ado, let’s dive into my list!

1. The Ain’t Nothin’ Simple About it Life – Because honestly, we all know a show with the three Richards sisters would be a hit. Kyle, Kim, and Kathy are a complex mix of love, rivalry, and reconciliation, and like the Mill’s family, only God knows what secrets their family holds. I could easily make this hypothetical show an entire blog post or filibuster it in front of Congress lol.

2. Cybertruck – I find Tesla’s Cybertruck to be garish and in bad taste, but indulge me for a minute. I spent my formative years in the early 2000s. From about 2003 until the ‘08 financial crisis, the Hummer brand was very popular and a symbol of luxury and excess. Rent free in my brain, I still see Kylee Rock’s mom mobbing around town in her giant yellow Hummer. The economic slowdown, plus environmental concerns, led to a decrease in demand for such a gas guzzling vehicle, but now we have no excuse, because Tesla’s Cybertruck is an eco-friendly alternative that will piss your neighbor off  just as much as a Hummer would! It’s time to embrace the future!

3. A Job (free of Suicide Ideation) – One thing that I’m embarrassed about is how often I complain about my job, yet do nothing to change it. I’ve mentioned this before, but an ideal job for me would be one where after giving someone an entire explanation, they still can’t quite put their finger on it—like any job that Megan has held over the last 4 years. Out of my entire wish list, this is the gift I’m most desperate for. The more neoliberal the job, the better. God willing, it will go something like this: 

“So, what do you do for work?” asks Azealia.

I stand there with a gay, insidious grin, slurp Baja Blast, and say, “I work for BlackRock as an Environmental Collapse Profit Strategist.”

She looks at me, clearly annoyed, and asks, “But what do you DO?”

I reply, “My work involves finding new ways to monetize the death of our planet—all from the comfort of my own home, by the way!”

4. Jeans – High-waisted, Flared, 1970s vibes, from phixclothing.com – Simply put, I like the style. Civility, however, does not make for a gripping blog post read, so with entertainment value in mind, here’s a breakdown of my personal style compared to your average circuit-party-gay: A circuit-gay’s fantasy includes going out in scathing, half-naked attire—completely unharmonious with their Kibbe body type, my fantasy is a vintage ‘70s statement top, fun accessories, and a well-tailored pant that highlights my slim figure! I run with a fabulous circle of people and this one time, I got to the club after a fantastic pregame, feeling my disco-fantasy outfit…When all of a sudden I heard this agitating, grating voice: “WhY aRe yOu sOo covered up, bOoo? ThIS is the gAy cLub”…I could have bulldozed the gay bar and built a Bass Pro Shop right then and there. I was not about to take advice from someone who thought leaving the house in a combination of athleisure and BDSM gear was a good idea. Whatever the opposite of FOMO is, I have that. Disclaimer: I’m not homophobic—I have a gay friend.

5. Wagon Wheel Watussi – For Christmas this year, I’m hoping Megan and Bonnie, my wonderful friends and sisters, will gift me the ultimate surprise: learning the choreography to Wagon Wheel Watussi from Burlesque. It’s been on my mind for ages, and I know they'd absolutely crush it with their dance moves and sisterly chemistry. If they could pull it off, I’d be over the moon—nothing would make this holiday season more memorable!

6. A Tour of The Boogie Down Bronx with Jennifer Lopez  – *unwraps gift* Oh, wow! A trip to the Boogie Down Bronx, with none other than J.Lo (Jenny from the block) herself. I love it! Thanks, Grand-Dyke! The tour begins of course with a trip to her old haunt, the deli (on the block), where she would order her infamous turkey sandwich—plus the obligatory orange drink. She never disappoints in pissing me off hahaha. This scenario is hilarious to me and would be a key.

"Wait! You don’t know who I am?!" -J.Lo to the deli cashier.

7. World Peace – Listen Santa, I know what you must be thinking “How the fuck am I gonna shove ‘world peace’ down your damn chimney”, but hear me out, I just needed to get your attention. Let me explain what ‘world peace’ would look like to me: you sending every last damned elf down to The United States to fix all the frozen coke machines. Every time I walk into a 7/11 and I see that little red light blinking above the machine…I think to myself, I must have a sign on my back, that says “Fuck with this man”.

I want to wish you all a happy holiday from Andrew’s little corner of Megan’s world — thanks for reading! <3

Blog Post #1 Welcome to Andrew's Corner: An Oasis of Truth

At last, the king has arrived. Haters, kiss the ring! What lies before you is an oasis of truth, If you cannot handle the truth, respectfully, get tf out.

Life is full of countless joys, but none as sweet as having your own apartment again. For the past 4 months I have been without and let me just say this, to those around me: I know it shows and I am trying my best! It is April now and I give my greetings from quirky Portland, Oregon, land of the n95’s. 

Let’s start with the neighborhood! Despite my youthful exposure to white people hoods, I felt unprepared when I read a sign outside my new place that read “Missing Parakeet $5,000 reward”. It was at that moment that I realized I am surrounded by gullible and rich white people! I NEED to make friends with some of these out of touch people! If I wasn’t such a good christian I would have already bought a blue parakeet dupe at the pet store and cashed in that bag lmao.

My time here has been short but I have been blessed to see multiple friends upon my return to the PNW. During my first 3 days in Portland I was visited by Jaylee and her boyfriend. We had a key: thrifting, Burnside Skate Park, Canon Beach, a local concert (Jaylee and her man left separately after a couple’s fight). After she left I was invited by my friend Garrison to stay with him for a week until my new place was ready. At the time I was honestly dreading not having any privacy, but as the week was up I felt glad to have soaked up even a tiny fraction of his high energy and spirit, so I left with good morale. We took some c*nt photos! 

The first weekend in my new apartment Clare & Tiffany stayed with me to attend an Eliza Lamb concert. I decided to wear dress pants on this specific night out, which ended up being perfect because the same venue of the indie concert was also hosting a high school prom. A bouncer put us in the Prom line at first and I politely let him know that I’m 27 years old. The concert was funny too because it was all slow songs but you could clearly hear The Cupid Shuffle in the distance lol. I wasn’t familiar with Eliza and although I found her to be talented, to me she kinda seemed like a bad time lol. She did a fine job singing, but to me all I could notice about her was that she had that ‘ lived with her grandma bone structure ’. If I was her publicist/stylist I’d tell her honestly... “Drop the act and try on some cookie monster pajama pants”. 

The night did not end there. We all decided to grab a drink nearby and I happened to run into my hot nursing student, Lani, that I had trained that very week! She’s cool and like many of the women I admire, she, unfortunately, is not a man. Lol, but it is thanks to her that I was formally introduced to her friend and classmate, Tran. He’s a cute little gay who I first noticed at work after he bumped into me on accident but we had never spoken before. The booze continued to flow and the night became increasingly flirtatious. Our groups merged and we all had a hilarious time at this male strip club. The twink and I were making eyes and being playful towards one another, but I did my best to keep my attention on my guests. Attraction is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it. To which I say, everybody is always talking… but what happens when the talk isn’t cheap... and it is… what it is..? 

To be continued…